14 Things I'd Rather Be Doing Than Getting My Teeth Cleaned

I HATE the dentist.  I don't know why, and I have no reason to.  I don't have cavities, and I haven't had any big procedures.  I never even had braces.  Plus, my dentist is super nice.  I'm convinced that the people who work there fall into the "nicest people in the world" category.

I don't really mind the scraping of the teeth.  It's the polishing that I can't stand.  That little spinning toothbrush makes a creepy sound.  Not only that, but I can't stand when the gritty feel on my teeth, or when the cleaning tool touches my gums.  And, I look like a zombie after they floss my teeth.

That being said, these are a few things I'd rather be doing that sitting in the dentist's chair.

1. Running.  I don't run.  I don't even work out.  But I'd rather run mile after mile than get my teeth cleaned.
2. Waiting in line.
3. Cleaning my showers.  I hate cleaning the showers.  They are gross.  I get wet and covered in bathroom cleaner.  I have to bend over, and that makes my back ache.
4. Changing a dirty diaper.  By that I mean the kind that takes a bath, where you throw the clothes away, and the horrible situation is etched in your memory.
5. Changing a tire.  Never done it, but it's probably more pleasant.
6. Mowing the lawn.  I did it once as teen; not for me.  I don't like being that sweaty.  It's hard with hills, and I'm allergic to grass.  If my husband were to die suddenly, I'd hire a lawn service before I mowed the grass again.
7. Camping.  In a tent.  With no bathroom nearby.
8. Caring for a colicky, inconsolable infant all day.
9. Driving a stick-shift, uphill, in traffic.
10. Replacing the batteries in the smoke detector at 3 am.
11. Moving.  The whole thing, packing boxes, moving the stuff into a truck, and unpacking.  Well, maybe not the whole thing, just an hour of heavy lifting.
12. Giving the dog a bath.
13. Doing dishes after a big dinner.  The kind where all the pots and pans are used, and you have to wash the fine china by hand.
14. Matching socks.

That's just a quick list off the top of my head.  Even though I hate the act of having my teeth cleaned, I do love that clean teeth feel.  Also, I get a free toothbrush.

Shopping with Kids: The New Cardio

I've read that if you do three or four bursts of cardio for 10 minutes a day it is just as good for you as getting 30 or 40 minutes of cardio at one time.  Ladies and gentlemen, I've found a new way to get my 10 minutes of cardio: shopping with my children.

I have two kids ages four and half and almost two years. I ran into Target for swim diapers, dog food, and a couple of other things.  The kids had never ridden in the toddler shopping cart, so I thought we would try that.  The toddler cart (as I call it) is about eight feet long.  It's a normal shopping cart with a plastic, two-seat, kid holder on the steering end.  For a large cart, it actually has a great turning radius, but I digress.

I put both kids in the toddler part.  My sweet two-year old decided to get out and run.  After I chased her down, I decided to buckle her in to the toddler seat.  She did not appreciate her confinement.  She struggled and screamed.  At this point in my shopping excursion, I'm booking it to the diaper section.

Now, I'm not one to leave the store just because my kids are screaming.  I have things I need to purchase, and I have just as much right to be there as the next person.  When my kids decide to have a tantrum in the store I just move faster.

I'm nearly running at this point, and I decide to move my daughter to the sitting part of the shopping cart.  She normally sits there, so I assume all will be fine.  She quieted for a minute.  A store clerk asked how I was doing.  I told him, "fine" through clenched teeth.  I don't think he believed me.

As we are leaving the diaper section and heading to the opposite end of the store for dog food, my daughter decides she doesn't like this seat either.  She begins thrashing around, and hits her mouth on the cart.  I try to console her, but to no avail. At this point, my son is yelling for no reason.  I decide to dash to the dog food section with a crying daughter and screaming son.

I arrive at the dog food aisle, and search for my brand.  I even ask my children, like they will know.  Instead of them answering me, another woman in the store looks at my children and tells me that this time will go by too fast.  To savor it, and remember it.  After all, her kids are 19 and 23 now.  I try to explain that I just can't find the dog food I need (turns out it was moved to the next aisle).  This woman and I were on two different wavelengths. That's sweet that she wanted to give me unsolicited advice, but I know the time will go by quickly, and that my children will be grown in no time.  I just want to get my few things and leave the store, so I can enjoy my kids when they are a bit happier.

Once I make it to the checkout line, my sweet daughter is fine, and now acts like she's in a parade by saying hello to everyone we pass.  My son is no longer yelling, but pummeling me with questions.  My kids are back to their normal selves before we leave the store.  I'm left wondering if 10 am is too early to open a bottle of wine.  But, it's probably healthier to drink water since I just finished a round of cardio, and I'm still trying to catch my breath.

The Lies I Tell My Children

I am a really honest person.  I don't tell big lies.  I don't even tell little white lies.  I'm almost honest to fault. When it comes to my kids, I want to be honest, but sometimes the lies just fall out of my mouth.  Santa and the Easter Bunny are the big, obvious lies, but I tell little ones too.  I have my reasons.  Sometimes, I don't feel like dealing with all the questions, and the lie would stop the questions.  Sometimes, the truth is too big for them to hear at this age.  Sometimes, I just don't feel like dealing.

Here are some of the lies I've told my kids:

• No, you can't have Tootsie Pop, those are grown-up suckers.

• I'm so cold (in the grocery store) that I'm going to turn into a Popsicle.

• The police officer was just making sure that Daddy was driving safely.  

• I can't find the movie you want to watch right now.  Or, that movie isn't working right now. 

• You have to wait until Daddy can fix it, I don't know how.

• We don't have the batteries that toy needs.  

• You wouldn't like this kind of candy.

• Oh, this is a gross grown up drink.  You wouldn't like it.

I would love to hear what lies you tell your children, because we all do.  And, I'm sure there will be another edition of this article.